I’ve been thinking a lot lately about cycles.
About how things repeat, but also don’t quite ever remain the same. About how energy flows. How emotions wax and wane.
(I’m also thinking about bicycles, but that’s more of a witty aside.)
I’m a person who likes structure. I write to do lists. I cross things off. I write more to do lists. I cross more things off. Repeat, adapt, repeat, adapt.
But another side of me is enjoying this *very* unique (for me), non-INTJ cycle (summer light-induced, no doubt) right now where I feel free and open and mobile and friendly. This is a good cycle. No, this is a GREAT fucking cycle. Because I can think back to a not-so-distant past where I felt the opposite of all of these things. It was a no bueno cycle.
Maybe cycles are more like ruts. Because I’m also in a cycle of “not writing.” I feel so many things about this! Embarrassed. Ashamed. Guilty. Like maybe because I haven’t been doing what I love doing for so long, I’m not good at it any more! So here I am pounding away at my keys trying to figure it out!
I’ve tried to break this cycle. Well… I haven’t tried hard enough. I literally printed this genius piece of encouragement out on one sheet of paper in small print earlier this evening and taped it to the top of my laptop that is so old yet so mighty in the wake of its valiant fight with a full Nalgene bottle about 6 years ago.
Since I moved to Healdsburg last February, I’ve been more in tune with the cycles of my physical body/energy/emotions and of the world around me than any other place I’ve lived. Maybe that’s just called growing up or maybe it’s this place, but probably a little bit of both.
Somehow it’s already August, which even though I’m no longer in school, still gives me a bit of anxiety about summer ending, even though I know (I know!) that September is a sweaty mess here. It’s also another year around the sun for this Virgo.
It’s the full moon tonight. Tomorrow begins another cycle. Another day.